Brass Ones, The Final Chapter

Vanessa Williams:
Goddamn electrical outlets. I hate when I get my fork stuck in one, too. My hair just never looks right.

Sheryl Crow:

Stunning. She looks absolutely, breathtakingly gorgeous. Well done! She might be my very favorite of the night.

Sienna Miller:

I don't HATE the dress. I don't love it either. But the Heidi braids that look like they were slept on for about a week prior have got to go. My mom used to do that hairstyle to me... when I was 4.

Tina Fey:

Tina Fey is my hero. Anyone who calls Paris Hilton a piece of shit is OK in my book. And I think she looks really, really nice here. I would just recommend some lipstick, and maybe a slightly longer skirt on the dress to elongate her torso. Otherwise, well-played.

Toni Collette:

I think the dress is magnificent, I think the understated jewelry is perfect, and I think the haircolor is fantastic. I would've liked to have seen her in some sort of updo, though, seeing as her hair is about as poker-straight as mine is, and for a formal event like this one, that just won't do.

Vanessa Minnillo:

Nick Lachey's lady-friend is one hot mama in this dress, and she is either tied with Sheryl Crow for best of the night, or at the very least a close second. It's not easy to rock that orange color, either, but she pulls it off beautifully here. Nick, you're a lucky man! And much better off with this one!!!

Now we just need to get ready for the Oscars! SCORSESE ALL THE WAY!!!!!

(All photos on this and all other "Brass Ones" posts are courtesy of MSN Entertainment and E! Online).

Brass Ones, Volume 8

Sarah Paulson:
This is so bad, but I'm just going to go ahead and say it anyway: this woman's face scares the bejesus out of me. I don't know why. I think she is so... odd-looking. Plus, I've seen that show she's on, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and I think her character is so irritating. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why Chandler Bing, or whatever the hell Matthew Perry's name is on the show, likes her so much. It makes about as much sense as Lindsay Lohan saying she's been in AA for a year, but she's only been sober for 7 days. Whatever, I'm tired of thinking about it.

The MAN -- Martin Scorsese:

It is about goddamn time somebody rewarded this man for his unfailing genius, and I'll go on record here and say that if he doesn't get an Oscar this year, I'm taking baby Suri hostage.

Chloe Sevigny, Ginnifer Goodwin and Jeanne Tripplehorn:
I really don't have anything to say about the fashion choices by these three ladies, but I might have something to say about Chloe Sevigny looking like she's about to eat the photographer's face, regurgitate it, and then feed it to her young.

Penelope Cruz:

This kinda reminds me of the dress Scarlett O'Hara wore after her first husband dies, and Rhett Butler comes to Tara and asks her to marry him while she's still in mourning. Only lower-cut. By the way, this isn't meant to be a compliment. And what's with the Captain Morgan stance?

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal:

Holy shit, Peter Sarsgaard actually looks really hot here!! And Maggie is grim, as always. Buck up, Maggie -- you gotta hot baby-daddy!

Reese Witherspoon:

Oh, Reese. You've had kind of a rough year, haven't you? I could probably very easily make fun of your choice of banana yellow with ruby red shoes, but I'm just not gonna. And truth be told, I'm kinda feeling the yellow. That's right. It's always nice to see a little color on the red carpet, and if anyone can pull it off, it's you. And you are ROCKIN' the long hair, darlin'. Ryan's an ass.

Renee Zellweger:

Renee obviously attends the same school of Botox as Nicollette Sheridan. Would it kill you to smile, Renee? But let me give credit where credit's due: it's not a black Carolina Herrera, and it's not a white Carolina Herrera. So congratulations on branching out. Now cheer up.

Salma Hayek:

Holy mother of god, look at those boobies. It's like they're staring at you, isn't it?? I can't even comment on what she's wearing. Is she even wearing anything? I can't see anything past those boobs.

Brass Ones, Volume 7

This is getting a bit lengthy, no? Oh, well, you'll be all right.

Kiefer Sutherland:
It's not even that I think he looks all that noteworthy, it's more that he looks like he could reach through my computer monitor and snap me in two. Thus, I serve at the altar of Jack Bauer.

Kyra Sedgwick:

I'm not kidding -- I really didn't know that her show was even still on the air. So good for her! And the dress was lovely.

Meryl Streep:

Meryl, I think you are a goddess, and I LOVE that you won the Globe for your deliciously cruel portrayal of Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada, but I beg of you, for the Oscars: just a little lipstick. Pretty please?

Naomi Watts:

Love the color. Otherwise: boooooooooring....

Nicolette Sheridan and (gulp) Michael Bolton:
Honey, take it easy on the Botox. Things are bad when Michael Bolton is aging more gracefully than you are. And the dress is not helping matters. It looks like your dog's leash got tangled around you as you were walking out the door, and rather than try to de-tangle, you just snipped it off at Rover's collar and kept on going. And believe me, that look just doesn't work for anyone.

Brass Ones, Volume 6

Jennifer Love Hewitt:
For real, someone explain to me why this chick is famous. She's probably one of the worst actresses EVER, she's not even so cute, and she just seems like she's annoying. Even in this picture, she's like: "What the fuck? All of these struggling actors and actresses out there that are actually -- I don't know, talented-- and I made it?? These tits paid for themselves a hundred times over!"

Jessica Biel:

I've kinda got a secret girl crush on Jessica Biel. She seems like someone who's pretty down to earth that you could go get a beer with and talk about guys with, but not catty or stupid like, say, Paris Hilton. Plus, she's got a body that just won't quit. Yep, you read that right.

Josh Holloway:

Yummy. He's hot.

Justin Timberlake:

A little on the young side, but also hot.

Katherine Heigl:

Not that this whole ensemble blows me off my seat or anything, but Dr. Izzie Stevens looked very elegant and well-put-together. Many others (I'm looking at you, Cameron Diaz) probably wish they looked half as good as she did. But more than anything, I'm posting this picture for you, Thister. You're welcome.

Brass Ones, Volume 5

Hilary Swank:
Stole a few things from wardrobe on the set of The Black Dahlia, did we, Hil? Well, at least something good came out of that movie.

Jamie Foxx:

Jamie Foxx, addressing photographers: "Remember me? Ray? No? Collateral? Nothing? I'm in Dreamgirls! Still don't care? I bet you think I'm fly in these sunglasses, though... No? Guys?"

Jenna Fischer, better known as Pam from The Office:

She looks so pretty! Even Jon Krasinski, the dude who plays Jim, is looking at her like, "Holy shit, is that YOU?!"

Jennifer Hudson:

American Idol, represent!!! Girl, I haven't even seen the movie yet, and I know you deserved that statuette. The dress is just OK, though.

Jennifer Lopez:

Anyone who knows me can tell you all that I don't get the phenom that is Jennifer Lopez. Her voice sucks, she looks like shit without make-up, she seems like she's a bitch, and she's married to a walking corpse. Sure, she's got a great ass, and when she's made up she looks ridiculously hot, but who wouldn't with all those professionals working on them? But damn if that team of professionals didn't do a kick-ass job with her at the Globes. She looked sensational. The husband's still got to go, but nice to see you make it through a marriage for more than 6 months. Way to go, Jen.

Brass Ones, Volume 4

That's right, the hits keep on comin'! You need a break? Want to go get a Diet Pepsi or use the restroom? Nah, you'll be all right. We haven't hung out like this in awhile. Let's press onwards.

Emily Blunt, for Gideon's Daughter -- NOT for her brilliance in The Devil Wears Prada:
LOVE THIS BITCH. And she looked smokin' last night, and I'm really glad she won something. I have some questions about the very bottom of the dress, but I didn't want to pee on her campfire, so I generously just edited that bottom section out. We'll talk later, Em. Cheers!

Eva Longoria:

SO. SICK. of. this. woman. And I'm sorry, I know she's making everyone's best-dressed lists, but I hated this dress. Color is beautiful, but the rest of it sucks.

Evangeline Lilly:

Kudos on taking a chance, my darling. Too bad it didn't work out.

Felicity Huffman:

A million times, no. The color is beautiful, and you should seriously consider becoming a personal slave to whomever did your hair and make-up. But the dress? No.

Hayden Panettiere:

Here's the Fiance's latest girlfriend (wait, what?), and I will admit that she is undeniably adorable and radiant and fresh-faced teenage glory at its very best. Lohan? Spears? Tara Reid?You'd do well to take notes from this one. Save the fallen teen queens, save the world.

Brass Ones, Volume 3

Clint Eastwood:

I'm kinda afraid of Clint Eastwood. I'm pretty sure he could make me disappear. So let me just say that on someone else, the black shirt with the gold bow-tie wouldn't look good. But because Clint Eastwood is wearing it, it kicks ass. Ahem. Please don't hurt me, Mr. Eastwood.

Daniel Dae Kim:
Holy sweet baby Jesus, this man is hot. I can't even see his outfit, and I can't even say that I noticed it... I just wanted to post his hot face on here. The tie's a nice color blue, I guess, if we're going for consistency here...

Drew Barrymore:

My little free spirit. Loved her in this, and SO glad we gave the girls an uplift this year. Good for you!

Eddie Murphy:

So, even though I have a sneaking suspicion (hello? Knocking up Scary Spice and then saying it's not his?!) that Eddie's kind of a dick, he looked very dapper last night. And I really MUST get out to see this Dreamgirls.

Ellen Pompeo:

Sooooo pretty. I think she looked stunning, even if the hair was maybe just a little on the too poufy side. Her make-up artist should get a ridiculously huge bouquet today, for sure.

Brass Ones, Volume 2

America Ferrera, Not-So-Ugly:
I think America Ferrera is adorable anyway, but I thought she looked fantastic tonight. Plus, she's only one of a handful of Hollywood starlets that REALLY smile. All the rest of them give you that "Come hither and I'll eat you alive" smirk. But she has that truly happy, not-aided-by-Prozac-and-god-knows-whatever-else smile. Good for her.

Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette:

I actually have a lot of love for Courtney Cox right now because her new show, Dirt, is effing incredible and she pretty much kicks ass on it. However. I am on the fence about this dress. I think if it was not gathered in the middle front, it would be a no-brainer, and I'd love it to pieces and have to have one of my own. But it does, and so I don't. Plus, she needs some lipstick. By the way, Dirt is on tonight (10pm on FX) and you should watch it if you weren't planning on it already.

Beyonce Knowles:

Ummmm.... I can't even comment on the dress because I'm too distracted by the pose. If she checking her pits to see if her deodorant failed? Or is she trying to be sexy? Either way, I don't believe it was a good red carpet choice. Her make-up looked gorgeous, though.

The wax figures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie:

Just kidding. They're not wax. I don't think. But they have that waxy look to them, don't they? Anyway, the dress is a yawn. I think she's locked in with St. John Couture for now, though, so I guess she doesn't have much of a choice. Brad looks good, though.

Cameron Diaz:

Yikes. This is pretty much a disaster. Justin Timberlake probably took one look at her last night and thought, "Yeah, that break-up was probably a good move." All she's missing is the swan head around her neck and she would've been Bjork's twin from all those years ago!

Brass Ones, Volume 1

And by Brass Ones, I mean the Globes. The Golden Globes, that is. And we've got a lot to cover, so let's get to it.

Aaron Eckhart, and the luckiest woman alive:

This man is so sexy. It's not even fair. He made half the women there look like slobs. Including his girlfriend, whom I hate. Not because I even know who she is, but because she's with him and I'm not. No disrespect to the fiance. He's in love with Hayden Panettiere, so I'm allowed.

Abigail Breslin (AKA Little Miss Sunshine and the cute kid from Signs):

Seriously, is she not adorable? Dakota Fanning's getting a little older now, so she needed to be replaced anyway in the cute department.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner:

Hate her dress -- it looks like something they stole from Blanche's wardrobe on The Golden Girls, but I love the picture. They look cute together.

Alec Baldwin:

Sure, it's just a suit, but he looks nice. And plus, he cracks me up on 30 Rock. I'm struggling a little bit now that Grey's Anatomy is back from hiatus, because that's what I've been watching in the meantime...

Ali Larter:

I think she looks great, which is really something coming from me, because I tend to think she usually looks a little... well, man-ish. But she looked radiant last night, and thank GOD for that double-sided tape. Whew!

DIRT

Holy monkey, is Courtney Cox's new show, Dirt, AWESOME!!!!! I'm not kidding. I just watched the premiere episode, and I am totally hooked. It's incredible. It's edgy and sexy and dark and twisted and smart and incredibly well-written.

I'll tell you: between this, Nip/Tuck, and Rescue Me, FX is starting to really give HBO a run for their money. And I have to hand it to Ms. Courtney Cox. I haven't always been a huge fan of hers, but I was greatly impressed with her on the show, for which she is also an executive producer. Well played, Courtney. Well played, indeed.