Brass Ones, Volume 8

Sarah Paulson:
This is so bad, but I'm just going to go ahead and say it anyway: this woman's face scares the bejesus out of me. I don't know why. I think she is so... odd-looking. Plus, I've seen that show she's on, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and I think her character is so irritating. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why Chandler Bing, or whatever the hell Matthew Perry's name is on the show, likes her so much. It makes about as much sense as Lindsay Lohan saying she's been in AA for a year, but she's only been sober for 7 days. Whatever, I'm tired of thinking about it.

The MAN -- Martin Scorsese:

It is about goddamn time somebody rewarded this man for his unfailing genius, and I'll go on record here and say that if he doesn't get an Oscar this year, I'm taking baby Suri hostage.

Chloe Sevigny, Ginnifer Goodwin and Jeanne Tripplehorn:
I really don't have anything to say about the fashion choices by these three ladies, but I might have something to say about Chloe Sevigny looking like she's about to eat the photographer's face, regurgitate it, and then feed it to her young.

Penelope Cruz:

This kinda reminds me of the dress Scarlett O'Hara wore after her first husband dies, and Rhett Butler comes to Tara and asks her to marry him while she's still in mourning. Only lower-cut. By the way, this isn't meant to be a compliment. And what's with the Captain Morgan stance?

Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal:

Holy shit, Peter Sarsgaard actually looks really hot here!! And Maggie is grim, as always. Buck up, Maggie -- you gotta hot baby-daddy!

Reese Witherspoon:

Oh, Reese. You've had kind of a rough year, haven't you? I could probably very easily make fun of your choice of banana yellow with ruby red shoes, but I'm just not gonna. And truth be told, I'm kinda feeling the yellow. That's right. It's always nice to see a little color on the red carpet, and if anyone can pull it off, it's you. And you are ROCKIN' the long hair, darlin'. Ryan's an ass.

Renee Zellweger:

Renee obviously attends the same school of Botox as Nicollette Sheridan. Would it kill you to smile, Renee? But let me give credit where credit's due: it's not a black Carolina Herrera, and it's not a white Carolina Herrera. So congratulations on branching out. Now cheer up.

Salma Hayek:

Holy mother of god, look at those boobies. It's like they're staring at you, isn't it?? I can't even comment on what she's wearing. Is she even wearing anything? I can't see anything past those boobs.