Cue "Jaws" theme song...

Tonight on Shark Week, I watched Air Jaws: Sharks of South Africa.

Yo... Those m-f'ers are no joke.

I really didn't think great whites could breach like that. I thought that was all made up in Steven Spielberg's head. Could you imagine going for a swim or for a boat ride and seeing that? I'd shit myself. I'm not kidding.

In other news, I almost burned down my house tonight. That was awesome. See, my sister and her four kids stayed here last week while her power was out, and she used the oven while she was here to make the kids some chicken nuggets. Well, she must've dropped a couple of the nuggets into the bottom of the oven, right where the gas heat is generated. So while I was pre-heating the oven to make dinner tonight, I lit the nuggets on fire. I was sitting there, minding my own business, reading my US Weekly (which reminds me: Shame on you, Mel Gibson!!! Shame on you!!!), when I realized things were a little smoky in the kitchen. I looked at the oven, and realized that it was lit up with flames. I jumped up, turned the oven off and kept the door closed until the fire put itself out. But now the whole house smells like burning, and I can't use the oven until I pull the bottom-tray-part-thingy out and retrieve the remains of the chicken nugget. In conclusion, my sister will be receiving a strongly-worded phone message tomorrow about chicken nuggets and fires and things of that nature.

Shark Attack!

The best week of the entire summer is upon us: Shark Week on the Discovery channel!!!

I stayed up until 1am last night, brushing up my knowledge on the 10 deadliest sharks. And if you ask me, the great white totally got robbed by the bull shark as the #1 deadliest shark, but I guess that's neither here nor there.

If you missed the first day of sharkness, don't fret. Shark Week continues until Friday night. Don't miss it! I will be glued to my own set, getting my geek on.

Huh?

Back in October, I made a totally pointless list of things that people do to their cars that drives me absolutely nuts. Well, what I saw today, surpasses ANYTHING on that former list. And I swear, I am not making this up.

I was driving behind a minivan tonight on the way home from work with a bumper sticker that read: "Someone I care about was murdered!"

I really, really wish I could find a picture of one of these bumper stickers to share with you. My immediate reaction to seeing it was, "Wow, that's horrible." That thought was immediately followed by, "Wait, what's with the exclamation point?" Either they're outraged, or they're excited to tell you. One can never be sure.

Comcast is the worst.

(Just kidding, Comcast. Please don't shut me down again).

I JUST got my internet back after an entire week of being without it after another freaking electrical storm. If anyone needs me, I'll be online all night, catching up on all my celebrity (read: David Hasselhoff) gossip.

But let me just say a few things:

Lance Bass? Gay? NOOOO!!! -- and that's a sarcastic "NOOOO!" (I could've told you that, like, when N Sync first started performing).

Carmen and Dave broke up. Whoop-de-doo. I thought they broke up two years ago. Imagine my surprise that they're just getting around to it now.

David Hasselhoff and his wife finalized their divorce. Look out, ladies, Hoff's a free man again!!!

Got my copy of naked, pregnant Britney in Bazaar. They airbrushed the shit out of her, as you would assume, and the pictures are... eh. I'm sorry, but it's really, really hard to make a 6-months-pregnant lady look sexy. Nice try, though.

I'm sure I'll think of some other things, but I'll have to get back to you. Can you believe we're supposed to get another huge thunderstorm again tonight? God help Comcast if I lose my internet service again. I'll picket outside their offices until I have my celebrity gossip right away!

Let there be light!

Just so we're all clear, I have tried so hard to be a better poster to this site, but I've had many issues over the past few days. First, Blogger was being a bitch and not letting me add any pictures to my posts. Then, when that finally started to get going again, we had a huge electrical storm on Tuesday night, and finally got power back today. So I'm back. I know you're relieved.

Mosquitos SUCK!

OK, so... the Boyfriend and I went to my sister's house the other night to take a swim in her pool. I don't know about the rest of the country, but here in Philly it feels like we're living in the sixth ring of hell, so the pool sounded like a great idea. While the Boyfriend swam around, I was personally content to sit on the side of the pool, mostly due to the fact that her pool is not lit and I couldn't see if there were any bugs or reptiles, etc. in there. Well, the mosquitos feasted on me as I sat on the edge of the pool. No exaggeration -- I have 8 mosquito bites on my ass. On my ASS!! And I'm not even getting into the countless bites on my arms, legs and feet.

As if all this wasn't bad enough, I felt something touch my leg as I was sitting there, minding my own business. "Weird," I thought, "The Boyfriend is on the other side of the pool." Well, I had another friend playing at my legs -- a snake. I know some people don't mind snakes, especially little ones like this particular guy was, but I am not one of those people. I managed to not scream, but I have never moved so quickly in my life. I was on my feet and on the other side of the gate before the Boyfriend could come up for air and ask what the hell happened. That was it for the night. I insisted on leaving once he caught the snake in the net and threw it into the backyard. (See? I was nice. I didn't leave it for my sister and her husband and kids to find when they returned from vacation). I've now taken to calling the Boyfriend the Snake Wrangler, which I suspect he kind of enjoys.

In conclusion, I am NEVER going back to my sister's house after the sun goes down. It's like the Wild Kingdom over there.

At the Movies

The Boyfriend and I went to see You, Me & Dupree on Friday night.

I know this movie is being trashed by critics, and I know a lot of people don't like Owen Wilson, but we both really liked this movie. I thought it was a little slow at the beginning, but overall, it was great. Matt Dillon was great, Kate Hudson was adorable, and Owen Wilson and Michael Douglas (that's right, I said Michael Douglas) were hilarious. Oh, and Lance Armstrong has a fantastic cameo as himself. Priceless.

We also saw a preview for The Prestige, which looks so effing good, it's not even funny. David Bowie is in it, for Christ's sake! Hugh Jackman! Christian Bale!! And sure, it's about magic, which I can't stand, but so what? David Bowie! Hugh Jackman!! Christian Bale!!! I am SO on this flick. IMDB has its release date as October 27, which is really far away, but just in time for my birthday. Hooray!

Happy Belated Birthday(s)...

Since we're on the subject of birthdays, I came to find out that there were some other birthdays that we really should've been celebrating the last couple days. But thanks to Blogger (Blast you, Blogger!!!), I couldn't post pictures, so these wishes are coming a few days late. The sentiment is still the same, though, boys.

Corey Feldman, who I was absolutely in love with after I saw "Dream A Little Dream," turned 35 yesterday:
Will Ferrell, the funniest man alive, turned 39 yesterday:
Brian Austin Green, aka David Silver, turned 33 on the 15th:
And who is this, you ask?
Shame on you! That's Michael Flatley, aka the LORD OF THE DANCE, walking through flames just for you. He turned 48 yesterday. And he's still the Lord as far as you're concerned, bitches.

Happy Birthday, Gentlemen!

Happy Birthday, David Hasselhoff!!!

I know you've all missed these hot pictures I've been posting of David Hasselhoff for the last couple of days, but I was right: Blogger couldn't handle the sexy. I tried several times over the last two days to create posts with pictures, and I was brutally rebuffed. And a Hasselhoff post without pictures is like a red carpet without Paris Hilton. It's just impossible. So I saved the best for last:

Happy Birthday, Sexy!!!!!!

May this year be filled with talking cars, loose women and dangerously tight pants. Love you!

What I'm listening to these days...

Johnny Cash, American V: A Hundred Highways:

This is the Man In Black's first posthumous album thanks to Rick Rubin, and it's one of my favorites of the 5 they collaborated on together. John's voice was definitely starting to go at this point, but there's something about it that makes me love the raspiness in his voice even more than it was strong. It's a beautiful album, and I'm in love with "Rose of My Heart."

Pearl Jam, self-titled:
Oh, it's just so good. Granted, I am a big fan of Pearl Jam's, and have been since their inception, but seriously. It's really good. You should get it, if you haven't already. Best songs: "Life Wasted," "Unemployable," "Big Wave," and "Inside Job."

The Raconteurs, Broken Boy Soldiers:

This CD has been so completely addictive. I am a huge fan of the White Stripes, and if you haven't been living under a rock, you all know that this is Jack White's side project that he's doing. I think he was fully expecting this to be more of an under-the-radar type thing, but no such luck, Jack. Everyone likes you and the music you make, so you're just going to have to get over it. The whole disc is really solid, but definitely turn up the volume on "Broken Boy Soldier," "Level," and "Blue Veins."

Keane, Under the Iron Sea:

All right, so Keane's really starting to make a name for themselves... their songs are in trailers for cheesy movies like "The Lake House," and Zach Braff gave them a shout-out on his website, and they really are great. I have their last CD, Hopes and Fears, and I love it. But this is definitely not unexplored territory here, and frankly, Keane, Radiohead and Coldplay are a few steps ahead of you. But nonetheless, there's still good stuff here. Take a listen to "Is It Any Wonder?" (in my opinion, one of the best songs out right now, period), "Hamburg Song," "Crystal Ball" and "Broken Toy."

KT Tunstall, Eye to the Telescope:

You've probably heard much more of KT Tunstall than you even realize. Her song "Universe & U" was featured prominently on the season finale of "Grey's Anatomy," her song "Black Horse & the Cherry Tree" is EVERYWHERE, I'm told that "Suddenly I See" is featured in The Devil Wears Prada, and "Other Side of the World," "Miniature Disasters," and "Another Place To Fall" are also getting airtime in various places. Plus, she must be good, because they're even selling her CD at Starbucks these days -- not bad for a debut effort, no? And there's no doubt about it, she is a very talented girl. However, that being said, if you've heard these songs that I've mentioned, that's about all you need to hear. The rest of the album is not that fantastic.. it's OK. But I think we'll get more great things from KT Tunstall.

I am now highly anticipating Tom Petty's upcoming release, Highway Companion.

So what are you guys listening to?

Happily Ever After

Every girl dreams of their wedding day.


Well, in my dream, The Boyfriend will look like this on our wedding day. Sexxxy!!!

You know, there really should be a David Hasselhoff calendar, if there isn't one already. I should look into that for 2007. And on my calendar, July 17th will be a national holiday in honor of the Hoff's birthday.

Knight Rider

"Hey, ladies...


"It's me, David Hasselhoff. How 'bout I take you for a ride in my little red sports car along the coastline? And when I say 'take you for a ride in my car,' I really mean 'take you for a ride... in my pants.' As you can see, I have an affinity for tight pants. Today they're tight khaki pants. Yesterday, they were tight leather pants. Either way, it's a sure way to get you to focus on my bulging crotch. Is it working for you? I thought it would. C'mon, let's get outta here. It's almost my birthday, and we need to celebrate."

Your daily dose of Hasselhoff

I'm not sure if Blogger can even handle this much sexy on one page, but I'm going to try...


Those are tight-ass leather pants, friends. Make no mistake about it.

Hasselhoff, get ready. This is going to be your best birthday YET! This week is a celebration of you, my darling...

Best. Shirt. EVAH.

David Hasselhoff is the MAN.

And don't think I didn't remember that your birthday is coming up on the 17th, Hoff. I am ready to party!!!!

Crazy Eyes

So, my friends Tracy and Matt just had a baby girl about a month ago. She is absolutely adorable and we're all crazy in love with her. Observe the cuteness firsthand:

However, it is a very good thing that she is cute, because she has her days and nights all mixed up, and Tracy nor Matt have slept in about a month. They are both completely exhausted, and we rarely get to see them because of the whole parenting thing, so that's why it was so exciting when they actually got themselves a babysitter and we all got to go out last Friday.

Unfortunately, we decided to go to a local bar we used to go to all the time. Mind you, it's not a very nice bar. It's quite literally a dive. But we used to all but live there, so we decided to relive the memories of days gone by when we were childless (actually... most of us still are childless)and carefree and go there again. Bad idea. Apparently, new young blood has claimed said bar for its own, and weren't happy about sharing. We were playing pool on the outside deck on one of the two outside pool tables, drinking some beers, and catching up when a bunch of young guys came up and took over the other table. Only a few minutes had passed when one of the guys asked Matt if the guys at our table wanted to play him and his friends for money. Matt told him no, that we were just chilling and not playing seriously, but thanks. But the guy, who was wearing a NY Yankees hat (which was reason enough right there for a beatdown), wouldn't let it go. He was literally harrassing Matt to play for money. Matt started to get really irritated, things got said on both sides by a lot of different people, and then one of Yankee's friends told The Boyfriend: "We're not here to relax and have fun. We got 15 guys here who will kick all your asses." One of Yankee's friends then got in Matt's face and said, "Hey, what's your problem, man?" Matt replied, "Just walk away, Crazy Eyes." This is basically what Crazy Eyes looked like:

Crazy Eyes managed to somehow make his eyes even bigger and said, "What the hell you say to me???" Matt repeated himself, and that's when a lot of pushing and shoving and general chaos ensued. So we left.

Crazy Eyes was still pissed, though, so he followed Matt out to the parking lot and sucker-punched him. As soon as that happened, though, The Boyfriend ran over to Crazy Eyes and punched him right in his crazy face. Hard. That's when 6 police cars rolled up, and Crazy Eyes ran away like the little bitch he is. After we made a statement to the police (who were totally on our side), we were allowed to leave and go home and drink in peace.

*(As a side note, I'd like to just say that I can't believe people actually still engage in fist fights. I guess it's still somewhat acceptable when you're as young as these guys were, but my friends and I are close to, or in our 30s. We're a peaceful people. This was my friends' first night out after having their first baby!! What a debacle.)

Anyway, Tracy just called me and asked what The Boyfriend and I are doing on Saturday night, and if we'd like to come over and drink on their patio while Tracy's mom watches the cute, non-sleeping baby. I said yes. But I'm bring Mace and my brass knuckles this time.