Emmy's: The Epilogue

In conclusion, I'd like to say that I actually did enjoy the hour of the Emmy's that I got around to watching. Conan, my personal barbarian, was awesome as the emcee for the night, and I loved his little song-and-dance number about how much NBC sucks right now. He rocks.

However, can anyone let me know whether or not the Emmy's ran over its 3-hour limit? I was somewhat concerned for Bob Newhart's welfare.
(BTW... brilliant!!!)

(Photos courtesy of MSN Entertainment).

Emmy's, Part 3

I guess I had more fodder than I originally thought, huh? And to think, I stopped watching about halfway through and went to bed. Anyone know who won? Just kidding. I don't really care. Let's get back to the bitchfest:

Melissa Rivers:

Honey, in the name of all that is holy, put those away. I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but no one considers you to be a "real" celebrity, and we most definitely have no interest in seeing your nincompoops, no matter how saggy they might be. By the way, isn't your mother, like, the plastic surgery queen of America? You'd think she would've staged an intervention by now... yikes.

Vanessa Minillo:

You know, everyone's making such a big deal out of how horrific this dress is, and really... it is. She looks like like she should be attempting a triple lutz jump at the Ice Capades. But she's still banging Nick Lachey, and you're not, so you can kiss her perfectly toned, tan ass. Bitches.

Tracy Gold:

Wow, who thought to invite Peter Pan? This dress is just not flattering on anyone, but Tracy Gold especially. If anyone was going to wear this, it should be... well, Peter Pan. Anyway, it's nice that Tracy Gold was invited to the Emmy's. Anyone know how that might have happened? Because I feel like, if that's the case, I should have scored an invite. And I wouldn't have worn that.

Heidi Klum and Seal:

This couple is so good-looking that it's just unfair. And she's pregnant!!! Pretty far along, too!! Britney, my darling, take note. THIS is how you rock pregnancy.

(Photos courtesy of MSN Entertainment).

Emmy's, Part 2: Electric Bugaloo

Let us press onward in the Emmy coverage!!!!


Jane Kaczmarek:
Holy shit, Malcolm's mom is smokin' hot!!!!! When the hell did this happen??? And check out her real-life husband in the background, Bradley Whitford, smiling and laughing as if to say, "Yeah, that's right. I bagged her. Suck it." Way to OWN THAT SHIT, Kaczmarek!!!

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss:

I love, love, LOVE JLD. I don't know if it's because she reminds me, in both looks and personality, of one of my best friends, or if it's just because she's just that cool. Nevertheless, she looked awesome at the Emmy's. Way to show Tinseltown you can get past Seinfeld.

Kathy Griffin:

I LOVE THIS BITCH. In fact, a little part of me hopes upon all hopes that we will run into each other when I am out in L.A., we will talk and laugh and immediately decide that we should be best friends, and we will call each other every day, and eventually, the Boyfriend and I will move out there to live in her in-law suite, where I will become her P.A., and the Boyfriend will become her personal financial analyst. I know it may sound farfetched, but it could happen. Dammit, it could happen!!! Love the dress, too. Yay, D-List!!

Katherine Heigl:

It is no secret whatsoever that (Thister's girlfriend) Katherine Heigl is unbelievably beautiful, and the Emmys red carpet only highlighted that fact. She is absolutely stunning in this dress, and honestly, I don't know if I've ever seen her look better. But I will say, because I'm bitchy that way, that the hair is a little severe, and she could've used a little more color on her lips. Otherwise, perfection!!!

Lorraine Bracco:

Wow... been putting away some carbs in between seasons of The Sopranos, huh, Dr. Melfi? Joining Tony and Carmela for a few pasta dinners, are we?

I'm sorry, that's really mean. But wow... that was unexpected. I actually didn't know that this was even Lorraine Bracco on the red carpet until someone said her name. I almost fell over. The dress is pretty nice, though...

(Photos courtesy of MSN Entertainment).

Emmy's, Part 1

You know, Thister, you're right. I am way behind on an Emmy's post. And that's mostly due to the fact that the Emmy's and the red carpet preceding it were a total bore. But I guess there's some highlights (and lowlights) to re-visit. So here it goes.

J-Love:

So. Sick. Of. This. Woman. Won't someone please just make her go away??? She's everywhere, and she needs to be stopped. Or she needs a good scandal and become more interesting. I'll take either.

Cheryl Hines:

Now let me start this out by saying that I love Cheryl Hines. I watch Curb Your Enthusiasm faithfully, and I think she plays the perfect straight man to Larry David's over-the-top jackass. But this dress is unforgivable. Look closely -- there is a smiling voodoo-like face created by those beads. I had nightmares for days about that face. That's really why it took me so long to make this post. Now that I've written something about it, perhaps the healing can begin.

Eva Longoria:

Dear, sweet Jesus, Lord above -- WHY do I feel like we see this woman EVERYWHERE??? I am so sick of her stupid face. She needs to crawl back into the hole of oblivion from whence she came. And her dress sucks. Like the Fug girls said, it looks like Pac-Man is about to swallow her face.

Debra Messing:

Redhead + white dress (except for on wedding day) = NO. Otherwise, not bad.

Jeremy Piven:

Ummmm... is that an ascot?

More to come...

(Photos courtesy of MSN Entertainment).

This time next week...

...The Boyfriend and I will be in sunny California, dividing our time between Los Angeles, Los Feliz and Hermosa Beach (the Hermosa Beach Pier is pictured below).


It will be a week of relaxing, drinking, and living it up. I can't wait!! Plus, this is the Boyfriend's first time on the West Coast, so that will be very exciting itself. I will be sure to post plenty of pictures when I return!

(Photo courtesy of liftfan.tripod.com)

Oh god, PLEASE say they kill him off.

Kevin Federline is slated to make his acting debut this fall on CSI. He's supposed to play some punk-ass teenager that harrasses the investigators as they try to do their job.

Imagine... K-Fed playing a punk. What a stretch.

Teen Choice Awards

I know I'm a little behind the times with this post, seeing as the TCA were two nights ago, but too bad. I'm a little slow because I'm no longer one of you hipster teens. Respect your elders, goddammit. Here's my two cents anyway.

Kevin Federline is the biggest douchebag in history:
All of these people I know are saying, "You know, he really wasn't that bad..." Yeah, well, that doesn't make him good, either, and it certainly doesn't mean he should've closed out an awards show on national television. My friend's band is pretty OK, and they're not on TV, so what gives? Long live mediocrity, I guess...

Nick Lachey made a funny:

"Awkward? Just a little bit?" Awww, Nick, way to handle a bad sitch. Good job. Proud of ya!

Pssst... Rihanna, did you learn NOTHING from the Ashlee Simpson SNL incident???

Girlfriend needs to learn to lip synch well if she is going to choose to do so on national television. My dog can lip synch "S.O.S." better than she can. But I'll grant her a reprieve because DAMN! Is that song catchy or what??? Plus, she's a big bitch. I'm pretty sure she could crush me.

What the hell was around Mischa Barton's neck???

Let me reminisce for a second. My mom used to have this porcelain clown doll with a white and black painted face that she kept in our spare bedroom. If I was ever in that room, I hid that freaking clown under the bed because it scared the shit out of me. The clown also had a big frilly collar around his neck, just like Mischa's. Sorry, Mischa. Under the bed you go.

No comment:

Who is this person again? I mean, I know it's Brooke Hogan, but why do we care about her dumb ass?

Best chemistry:

Truly. I know they were pre-recorded and all, but very cute.

J-Simp in the hizzy:

How far the mighty have fallen...

BOOBIES!!!:

Britney cleaned up nicely. But holy boobies, Batman!!!! And I'm pretty sure I can see her private lady parts that I'm not meant to see peaking out from under her mini dress. And in the name of all that is holy, THROW OUT THE GUM!!!!!!!!!!!

Yawn....

What a waste of Dane Cook's talent. The man rocks, and yet was stuck in such a pit of despair with this award show. Oh, well, I'll still see Employee of the Month. Hopefully their chemistry is better in the movie than it was onstage Sunday night!

(Photos courtesy of MSN Entertainment).

Freak on a leash

What the shit is this about???

I was in the mall yesterday and I must've seen about 5 different parents leading their children around this way. I understand that this has been going on for awhile, and I've definitely seen it before, but it's disturbing to me how many people string their kids up this way, and it's seen as totally acceptable.

Make up your minds, people. You're either a parent or a pet owner.

Catching up

I'm back! Did you miss me? The weekend was wonderful in the Poconos, and I seriously could not have asked for better weather. It was unbelievably gorgeous. I didn't do a whole lot -- read trashy magazines, ate my weight in food, hung out at the lake and slept -- a lot. But I loved every second of it!!

I came home and got my celebrity gossip fix -- what is UP with Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson splitting up??? I might be the only one, but I really kind of liked these two together in a hippie-esque-type way. Of course, she was only about 21 when they got married, but whatever. Sad. I would have much rather have seen a report that Katie Holmes and Crazy Tom Cruise broke up, but I guess we can't have it all.

Also, I saw all sorts of trailers this weekend for Snakes on a Plane, which just might turn out to be one of the funniest movies ever. And honestly? I know it sounds like a really stupid premise, and truly it is... but snakes loose on a plane? Holy baby Jesus in a handbasket. That would be terrifying.

Today I spent an inordinate amount of time watching drivel on VH-1 like Season 4 of the Surreal Life (I cannot WAIT for Season 7!!!), Awesomely Bad Freakouts, and 40 More Awesomely Bad Fashion Moments. Oh, and that reminds me: is anyone besides me watching "Flavor of Love 2"? This is reality TV at his trashy best. Love it!!!

I'm out.

All right, loves, I am leaving you for a long weekend in the Pocono mountains, but I will think of you non-stop. Promise.

New music!

Tom Petty is the man. How else can you explain being around for so long and still being able to make some rockin' music? The Boyfriend bought me this CD last week, and I've been listening to it all the time. It's very, very good driving music. I highly recommend it.

Next up: the soundtrack for the upcoming movie, "The Last Kiss." Aside from being totally excited to see this movie and thrilled to see Zach Braff in anything, really, the soundtrack is awesome. Just like he did with "Garden State," Zach (I can call him by his first name, 'cause we're tight like that) was a producer for this soundtrack as well. You know you want it. Just go out and get it.


And have you seen the trailers for this movie yet?? Heart-wrencher, I'm telling you. And who doesn't love Rachel Bilson? She's the cutest thing ever.

No, really. Comcast is the worst.

I mean it this time.

Now we're not even having storms and my internet service drops out constantly. I spent a full 20 minutes on the phone (after being on hold for 12 minutes) with customer service trying to figure out what was wrong with my system, only to be told in the end: "Hmm. I don't know." And let me tell you, this little exchange I had been having for the previous 20 minutes? Not exactly fun. He reminded me of Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live when he played "Nick Burns: Your Company's Computer Guy." He was totally condescending and loved to exude big exasperated sighs every time I would ask him a question. Here's a sample of our conversation:

me: "I've lost internet service 4 times over the course of a month now. Can you see what the problem is?"
Nick Burns: "(Extremely noisy, exasperated sigh) Is your modem plugged in?"
me: "Yes."
Nick Burns: "Are you sure?"
me: "Well, I'm fairly positive, but let's just check again... yep."
Nick Burns: "Did you turn off the power switch on your surge protector?" (He SO wanted to follow this up with "Moron?" -- I could just tell.)
me: "Nope."

Let me say this: my brother works as one of these computer technical nerds, and I know they have to ask all these retarded questions that make you feel like an asshole, because there really are some smacked asses out there who will ask things like "Where's the 'any' key?" But I feel like, maybe, these guys shouldn't start out assuming that you rode a short bus to school. That maybe, just maybe there might be an actual problem, and the sarcasm and the exasperation can hold for just a few minutes until I give you an actual reason to be sarcastic and exasperated.

So I have a Comcast techie coming to visit me right here in my humble abode next Monday to figure out what the hell is wrong with my internet connection. I'm fully expecting him to say at some point, "There, was that so hard?" And then I'll kill him. Just kidding. Not really.

Owen Wilson's funny.

I thought Steely Dan's open letter to Luke Wilson was funny. (And yes, I think it was definitely meant to be funny. Check some of the message boards out there of people getting all riled up, thinking that Steely Dan is composed of a bunch of bullies who are really going to beat Owen Wilson up).

But Owen Wilson's response is even funnier: "I have never heard the song 'Cousin Dupree' and I don't even know who this gentleman, Mr. Steely Dan, is. I hope this helps to clear things up and I can get back to concentrating on my new movie, Hey 19."