Suck on it, Renee Zellweger.

Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock after a long, arduous 4 months.

I don't know why anyone's surprised. I'm pretty sure the vows were along the lines of "Till 4 months from now do we part."

It's couples like these that make me and The Fiance feel really good about the sanctity of marriage.

Cirque du Face

So, my friend who is quite obviously insane went shopping today for Black Friday, and brought me back a Sephora catalog, and the cover is a slight variation of this:

Their big thing right now, apparently, is making you look like Bozo the Clown. And I immediately started laughing my ass off, because I was reminded of a fabulous exchange between Zooey Deschanel and an older lady in the movie The Good Girl (which, if you haven't seen, you totally should. It's good):

Old Woman: I look too white, don't you think?
Cheryl (Zooey Deschanel): Not at all. I'm just trying to match your face with your hair. I was thinking you're not white enough.
Old Woman: I think I look kind of weird.
Cheryl: The first rule of fashion is you have to look weird. What I'm doing has come straight here from France.
Old Woman: Oh?
Cheryl: It's called Cirque du Face, meaning "Circus of the Face", and it's all the rage with the Frenchies, ma'am.
Old Woman: Well, you're the professional.

I mean, really. They are totally fucking with us!!!!

Look who managed to clean themselves up!

Tara Reid managed to step away from the booze for 10 minutes so she could show up to the recent screening of The Fountain looking like a halfway decent human being. See for yourself:

I know the girl is a human punching bag for the paparazzi, and I can't say that it's not well-deserved, but it's still nice to see that she took the hint and pulled herself together for once. And she should totally be sleeping with her most recent plastic surgeon. He changed her from a haggard, hard-living, boozehound-looking, haggard, 50-year-old-named-Marge-looking thing back into what a normal 30-year-old Hollywood starlet SHOULD look like. A simple "thank you" just won't suffice.

(Photo credit: The Superficial).

Target and I are SO not speaking.

This really should have been one of the happiest weeks of my life. The gods smiled down upon me and said, "Unto you may we bestow Season 1 of one of the greatest, albeit ridiculous (but really, what else could you expect from an Aaron Spelling creation, may he rest in eternal peace?) television shows ever created, Beverly Hills 90210, on DVD -- finally." What's more, four of the lovely ladies I work with pitched in last week and bought me a gift card to Target for my birthday (like how I slid that in there? I totally played it cool, but really, I'm reaching for some belated birthday tidings. I have no shame). I thought to myself, "Perfect!! I'll take part of my gift card and use it for 90210 when it comes out on Tuesday!!!"
Yeah... NO DICE. I arrived at my friendly neighborhood Target at approximately 10:15am on Tuesday, one hour and 15 minutes after they opened for the day. I made a beeline for the TV on DVD section and scanned the shelves for my beloved 90210. Nothing. Hmmm... OK, no problem. I'll check the new releases rack. Nothing there, either. All right, no cause for panic. I'll check the OTHER TV on DVD rack -- a-ha!! Melrose Place! I'm obviously in the right spot. And then I see it. The empty space where 90210 SHOULD be.

I hunt down one of the red-shirted Target-techno people. "Excuse me," I say, "But I can't seem to find any of the 90210 DVDs. It was just released today. Is there somewhere else I should be looking?" The guy looks at me, and then looks at the empty space where I'm pointing. "Sorry," he says, "But we didn't get that many, and we already sold out." I stare at him blankly. "But... but you just opened an hour and 15 minutes ago," I say, not quite believing him. "I know," he says, shrugging. "Crazy, right?"

After he walks away, I walk up and down the DVD aisles for 10 more minutes, praying I find a misplaced, wayward copy of 90210, all the while realizing the sheer futility of it all. I mean, really... who's going to pick up Season 1 of 90210, never before released until NOW in 2006, and then put it down and say, "Nahhh..." Only someone who's obviously out of their minds. Finally, I give up, and drag my ass home.

That brings us to tonight. On my way home from work, I decide to take a different route that will take me past another, slightly out-of-the-way Target so I can pick it up there. And do you know those bastards were out of it too???? So some other red-shirted Target Techie gives me a raincheck. I stood there like a jackass holding my sad little raincheck receipt looking forlorn as he told me they should have it by next week. Then I kicked him square in the crotch and called him Gaylord. Not really. But I thought it in my head.

Now, I realize I could just take my ass on over to a Best Buy or an FYE (yikes) and plunk down the $45 and just have it in my hot little hands as we speak. But it's the principle of the thing. I have a gift card, goddammit, and I want my goddam gift to be SEASON ONE OF BEVERLY HILLS 90210 ON DVD!!!!!

Ahem.

So consider yourself forewarned, Target. You will see my face every single damn day until you have that bitch in stock. And then it's mine. Oh yes, it will be mine. I will soon be reunited with all the daily drama at West Beverly, and it's going to be GREAT!

I hate to say I told you so...

... so I'll just say that I think we all could see this probably wouldn't work out:

I am overjoyed to pass on that Britney finally came to her damn senses and is divorcing this imbecile!!!! And it only took two and a half years and two babies.

Now if he would just disappear off the face of the earth, all my dreams would come true...

Kanye West needs to get over his damn self.

Kanye West had a total shit-throw at the MTV Europe awards last night because he didn't win for best video.

This is just the most recent in a string of tantrums he's thrown for not winning certain awards. What an ass. And honestly, I really like Kanye West's music, but everytime he does something like this, a little piece of me dies inside. Musically. Or something.

Humility, thy name is Kanye.