Issues, indeed.

Turns out that the missing bride from Duluth, GA was not abducted, as originally thought -- she just had a bad case of cold feet. She had called her fiance this past Saturday and said she was alive, but that kidnappers had taken her. Once the media coverage got so heavy, however, she said they ditched her. Now she has recanted the story, saying that she was just scared to get married, took a bus to Las Vegas, and then traveled from there to Albuquerque. The fact that it turned into a national case had to be pretty embarrassing for her.

By far, the best line of the article is when her uncle says, "Jennifer had some issues the family was not aware of. We’re looking forward to loving her and talking to her about these issues."

Lucy... you got some 'splainin' to do....

Blog of the week

Thanks to Eve for sending this link to me -- these are soooo addictive. I wish I had a secret to post!

Huh?

Apparently, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are dating... I wonder if she knows he's gay.

At your local Target:

A pink men's t-shirt with a white cross in the middle (think Coast Guard) that says, "Booty Patrol."

I really wish I had a link. You have to see it to believe it.

In the spirit of the striped shirt...

...comes a little tale from a guy named Chad who loves the gym.

Bennifer, Part II

According to several non-trustworthy sources, Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Garner.

I don't get the attraction with Jennifer Garner. She's OK, but is she really all that special? She seems kind of... plain, to me. Of course, I guess anything's better than being engaged to Jennifer Lopez monster.

Planning ahead...

Upon inspection of comedian Brian Regan's website, I found out that he will be performing at the Tower in Upper Darby on November 5 of this year. So here's a big fat hint for a birthday gift idea, which is that same week: I want to go. Somebody take me.

I also saw that he released a DVD called I Walked on the Moon. There's another gift idea. Hint, hint.

Sure, my birthday's 7 months away. But I want to give you all plenty of time to plan accordingly.

New music

This summer is going to be great, music-wise. Not only are the White Stripes coming out with their new CD, Get Behind Me Satan, on June 7, but I found out today that the Foo Fighters are releasing a double-disc on June 14, In Your Honor. It sounds pretty cool -- one disc is rock, the second is acoustic. These are two of my most favorite bands, so I am really looking forward to both releases.

Take my wife... please!

The scary part about this news brief in The Onion is that it's pretty much true. Every comedian turns into a sap after becoming a parent. Thank god Bill Hicks never reproduced. (At least, I don't think he did).

Now that's clean.

Grandma stuck in tub for five days.

Ugh... and I can't stand how I get all pruny when I'm in there for about a half-hour.

Money don't buy taste...

...And this blog proves it!

Oh no he di'n't...

Terrell Owens has been (seemingly) talking trash on Donovan McNabb lately, saying that he (Owens) wasn't the one "who got tired in the Super Bowl."

This is the second Eagle teammate to start in on McNabb -- Freddie Mitchell had some choice words a while back about how McNabb is afraid to throw him the ball. But honestly... if you have a target like T.O., why wouldn't you throw passes to him??

Baby Britney

Brit-Brit announced on her website that she is, in fact, pregnant with K-Fed's baby. I can only imagine what a disaster this whole situation will turn into now.

Oh, I'm sorry... did I say now? What I meant was, even more of a disaster than it already is.

Plot-O-Matic

Those crazy commenters over at Query Letters I Love have let me in on a little secret called Plot-O-Matic. Have you ever seen a movie and thought you could come up with something better? Plot-O-Matic is the answer. Come up with an Oscar-worthy film in just 15 minutes!

PS -- I am still absolutely obsessed with the query letters blog. It's some seriously funny shit.

Hell yes

I bought Beck's new CD "Guero" after listening to it one time in my boyfriend's car the other night. It's an incredibly great disc -- I highly recommend it. Beck's definitely getting back to his roots of "Mellow Gold" and "Odelay," both of which are also great discs.

My favorite songs on the CD are "Missing," "Black Tambourine," "Hell Yes," and "Go It Alone" -- the last one being a collaboration with Jack White of the White Stripes.

Get it.

Rosie's blog

Apparently, Rosie O'Donnell has a blog, too. It's very... strange. Everything's written like some sort of bad, teenage-angst-ridden poem. It's supposedly real, though -- there's a link on her official website to it.

What happened to Rosie O'Donnell? I remember my friend Kathryn and I used to watch her stand-up comedy on Comedy Central waaaay back in the day, and we used to laugh our asses off at her. Now she seems so... angry. Everything's about making a statement. Everything's serious. Nothing is to be laughed at. Someone needs to pass her the Prozac. Lighten up!!! (Case in point: watch the video on her regular website for 1.04.05, with her kid in the bathtub, and then, flashed in between the kid talking are pictures of babies burned and bloodied from the war, and thunder crashing in the background. Very dramatic.)

God help us all

Britney and Mr. Britney Spears are getting their own reality show on UPN. It's going to be a complete car wreck... and you ALL know you're going to watch!

Not disabled enough?

"Ms. Wheelchair" is in some hot water -- turns out she can stand, thus stripping her of her title.

“I’ve been made to feel as if I can’t represent the disabled citizens of Wisconsin because I’m not disabled enough,” Lee said Thursday.

Is it bad that I'm finding this hysterical?

Rick James runs for City Council, bitch

This guy (named Rick James) in Minnesota's all pissed because people are stealing his campaign signs, due to the popularity of the late singer, also due to the popularity of the Chappelle Show.

The way I see it, this guy should be happy. With a name like that, he'll probably get elected by 18-25ers who wouldn't normally give a shit.

Quote of the evening (Friday night)

"You don't talk to Lucius, you don't look at Lucius. Lucius is only there for your enjoyment from afar."
-Bossypants to her husband (regarding their pet goldfish)

So blissfully unaware

I was watching my 11-year-old niece the other night while my sister and brother-in-law were both out, and we were doing some serious pizza-eating and TV-watching together. A commercial came on the TV for Gwen Stefani's disc, Love, Angel, Music, Baby, showing Gwen prancing around in a cheerleader's uniform in her newest video, "Hollaback Girl."

"That Gwen Stefani is adorable," I commented to my niece.
She snorted.
"She just looks like that girl from No Doubt with longer hair... she totally ripped her off."