Open letters to Tom Cruise

Dear Tom Cruise,
Thank you ever so much for your increasingly frenetic pursuit of world domination. Your obsessive nature regarding scientology, "Kate" Holmes and convincing the world that you are, in fact, a heterosexual, has taken a lot of heat off of me and my baby daddy lately. 'Cuz let me tell you, brother... we needed a break! It is so selfless of you to take over that burden of having all eyes on you. It is so refreshing to have the media recording your every ridiculous move, instead of ours! Frankly, it got old pretty quick for us, but you've really taken a shine to it, mister. You and Katie should think about doing a reality show for UPN -- ours is done now, so they've got the open time slot and everything. Just tell Kate to wear shoes in public restrooms -- people get all uppity when you don't. Best of luck, and thanks again!!
Love,
Britney and K-Fed
PS -- If you want fried chicken and grits at yours and Katie's wedding, we know the BEST caterer!!!
PPS -- If you do decide to do a reality show, make pig faces into the camera. It is so so hilarious!!!!
PPPS -- If you need help getting Katie pregnant to help convince everyone that you are so not gay, Kevin totally kicks ass at getting chicks knocked up. Just putting it out there...


Dear Tom Cruise,
Your timing couldn't have been better. Thanks for being so whack-ass crazy, and making me seem less so.
Love,
Michael Jackson