Puttin' on the Ritz

On Saturday night, the boyfriend and I made a last-minute decision to go to the Ritz East in Olde City and see "Neil Young: Heart of Gold," the new concert film that was directed and produced by Jonathan Demme. The boyfriend had never been to any of the Ritz theaters before, so I excitedly told him how much nicer the theaters are, how they're hardly ever crowded, that it's a better, more intellectual crowd, and how you don't have to worry about teens just there to hang out or people talking through the entire film like you do at regular theaters.

So we got there, found ourselves great seats in the sparsely crowded theater, and eagerly awaited our entertainment. The previews ended, the theater dimmed its lights even more than before and the opening credits began to roll.

That's when the real show began.

The couple behind us, who I have come to know in my mind as Hank and Myrtle, began commenting on everything being shown in the opening scenes. And not whispering to each other, mind you. Talking. Loudly. As if in a crowded restaurant.

Hank: "Where is this being shot?"
Myrtle: "Hmmm... I really don't know... it looks familiar, though."

(At the bottom of the screen flashes the words "Nashville, Tennessee.")

Hank and Myrtle, in unison: "Ohhhh... Nashville."

At this point, the boyfriend and I exchanged worried looks. After all my promises of a better experience than any normal movie theater, I was concerned I'd be made to look like a liar. The boyfriend looked concerned that I was, in fact, a liar.

The film starts with some clips of different members of Neil Young's band commenting on the concert they were about to perform, about the album "Prairie Wind," and about performing with Neil Young in general. To our surprise, Hank and Myrtle were unexpectedly subdued during these interviews, barely making any noise or commentary. And then the boyfriend elbowed me, nodding in their general direction. In my peripheral vision, I saw Myrtle almost sitting in Hank's lap, with her tongue shoved down his throat. Now, you might call me old-fashioned, but I really think there's a time and a place for that sort of thing, and the movie theater is neither of those. Plus, Hank and Myrtle were well into their fifties. Ew. However, I decided we should leave well enough alone. "Just be thankful they're being quiet," I hissed back at the boyfriend.

Not for long, though. After the interviews, the movie moves right into the first night of the concert, with Young performing songs from his latest album, "Prairie Wind." I sensed that Hank and Myrtle were unfamiliar with these songs, since they seemed to not pay too close attention to them, instead swapping their time between making out and chatting (again, loudly) about anything that seemed to come to mind, and giggling. There was a lot of giggling.

I managed to get the boyfriend to stay seated and NOT kill Hank and Myrtle, telling him that I figured that since it was a concert film, that perhaps they thought it was like an actual concert, where it was OK to talk through it and make out. The boyfriend bristled, but remained in his seat, and satisfied himself with shooting Hank and Myrtle a withering look.

The second half of the concert was actually Neil Young and company's second night in Nashville, and this part was more focused on his older hits. Hank and Myrtle instantly snapped to attention. This, clearly, was what they had been waiting for all night. Myrtle clapped and sang along (off-key, as you would assume) with the songs, sometimes even getting the words correct. Hank satisfied himself by merely humming off-key, and kicking the chairs in front of him in time with the music, causing a reverberation down the aisle to our chairs. The boyfriend shifted in his seat menacingly, and sighed audibly. I patted his arm in a lame attempt to keep him calm. "They're older," I whispered. "Maybe they don't get out much."

Young then launched into his song "Old King," about a dog who was named King. At the end, he makes all sorts of snuffling and howling sounds into the microphone. When it was over, Myrtle announced to the entire theater, "THAT was a very silly song!"

At this point, I peered into the darkness into our surrounding area to see if anyone else was as perturbed by Hank and Myrtle's antics as we were. This, however, was to no avail, as everyone within earshot of them was calmly watching the screen, watching the movie in peace. I shook my head in disbelief. I knew it couldn't just be us. It's not as if they were just whispering and we were the only ones who could hear them! I took a deep breath. Maybe I was making it much worse than it actually was.

At that point, Young began to play "Harvest Moon." I was able to lose myself again in the concert, as Hank and Myrtle had settled down a bit. We were about halfway through the song, when I heard what sounded like someone stepping on a cup behind me. I turned slightly to look back at Hank and Myrtle, and then did a double take. There they were, slow dancing to "Harvest Moon" in the middle of the theater. I looked back at the boyfriend, who was just sitting there, shaking his head, staring at the screen.

"Did you see--"
"Yes."
"They're dancing!"
"I know."
"There's people sitting right behind them, though!"
"I know."
"What the hell?"
"I don't know."

After the song ended, Hank and Myrtle (and no one else) applauded the screen, gave each other a long, lingering kiss, and sat themselves back down for the rest of the film, which thankfully was not much longer.

At the very end of the credits, the words "For Daddy" flashed across the screen.

"For Daddy," Hank and Myrtle read aloud together, again in unison.
"Whose Daddy?" Hank asked, obviously forgetting who the movie was about already.
"Well, I read somewhere that he wrote that last album just for his daddy," said Myrtle. "So maybe they mean Neil Young. Where did I read that? Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue..."

At this point, the boyfriend and I made a hasty exit.

So, the lesson to be learned here? "Neil Young: Heart of Gold" -- very good. Hank and Myrtle, and their private show -- needs some work. But thanks for entertaining us, guys!